Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Changing your heathen ways

Maybe it’s the fact that Boomers are getting older, but it seems like the marketing world believes incontinence is a more pressing problem than, say, $5 diesel. (There’s a joke about going/not going in there someplace, which I leave to your creative minds to find.)

Not long ago, I wrote about a fairly expensive alternative to the trusty, if leaky, old-fashioned milk jug. Now comes word of a solution to many a male golfer’s dilemma – finding a convenient one-holer (as opposed to a hole-in-one). The UroClub, its makers promise, quickly and discreetly eliminates the need to find a handy bush or tree after a few rounds of beer and birdies.

That’s right, folks – many truckers deservedly take heat for depositing their pee bottle along the roadside. But it’s golf’s dirty little secret that many a guy has relieved his bladder on the course while supposedly searching for balls.

Seeing the UroClub instantly gave me an idea: Why not offer something similar to the trucking industry? Almost as instantly, I envisioned just the thing – The TireWilly.

Made out of durable, easy-to-clean plastic to resemble your tire billy, The TireWilly will be offered in three sizes – LTL, short-haul and long-haul. While you are standing there between the tandems, supposedly checking the pressure, you can be cleanly and discreetly relieving the pressure on your kidneys.

Look, let’s face it – 98 percent of the time when a guy is seen in that position, he’s taking a leak on the pavement, which is the sort of nasty biochemically dangerous thing you’d expect from an Al-Qaedan. Some slobs won’t even go on their own tires, but sneak over to the truck next to them. The TireWilly gives them a chance to amend their heathen ways.

So, I’m patenting this baby and ordering a few dozen containers shipped from China forthwith. Who knows – with more people running out of gas because they can’t afford to fill up, I might have to add a size designed for automobiles. I’ll call it the CupDeFill.